When you picture your kids in communication mode, do you see them talking or texting with others?
Me? I’m seeing them texting.
Now comes the next question: How important is it that they spend more time talking?
For me, the answer is “very.” I am probably a Luddite, but I believe that the ability to carry on a conversation is an essential “survive and thrive” skill. From conversation, we learn about our world — how people think, feel, and conceive of the reality in front of them.
It’s a first step into understanding differences.
My fear? This skill has become undervalued, with texting considered a fine replacement. A recent study backs up my fear: 40% of respondents said they prefer texting to phone (29%) or face-to-face (8%) communication with loved ones.
My fear is real.
I’m not suggesting carrying on a conversation is easy. It’s work. Sometimes, it’s fun, but it can also be exhausting.
When we factor in personality types, the challenge of becoming a good conversationalist can be steeper. For example, my husband can engage in a fervent conversation for a spell. He is very good at it until he is not, and then he becomes reclusive. He needs his quiet time.
The following memorable event sticks in my memory. Two decades ago, two friends came over to catch up with my husband and me. We had a snack, took a long walk, and then returned to my house, whereupon my husband slipped away. He went to our bedroom to read his book. He didn’t announce it. He just disappeared.
He needed his quiet time and took care of his needs. He had conversed long enough.
I called out to him and, after no response, found him quietly reading his book in our bedroom. I asked him to come back down in a bit and then explained to my friends,
“He feels so comfortable with you that when he reached sensory overload, he escaped to read. He’ll be back.”
My friends were glad he could be that comfortable and laughed. We finished our get-together with everyone engaged and in good cheer.
I have carried the lesson from this story ever since:
Everyone has a quota for the amount of conversation they can manage before being tapped out.
I would recall this lesson as a parent in remembering what I ask of my kids.
Two advantages have helped me become an excellent conversationalist. I claim this skill not to boast about it but because it has become very useful to my friends and me, who will ask me to join them for dinner when they have guests and need some facilitators. I always oblige.
My first advantage is that my siblings and I grew up in my parents’ grocery store, where, at a very young age, we had to engage with our customers. Customers often came in to talk and, secondarily, spend a small amount on groceries. My dad was a quiet man but a great listener. He didn’t say much, but what he said was always insightful, and mostly, he was easy to talk to.
My mom was the exuberant type who made you feel good about your world. She brought optimism along with some grounded and practical advice.
Both styles worked and were true to their personalities. Our takeaway was conversation was important, and there were different ways we could meet the need.
My second advantage is my day job. I interview people for business clients to gauge customer satisfaction and unmet needs. I am always exercising my “conversation muscle,” which can be exhausting, but if you are curious, which I am, it is also interesting. The work has taught me to ask very manageable questions and sharpen my listening skills.
There are three simple tips I’ve provided to my family that I think help. Namely:
Pick warm topics: This can be difficult for adults who may have too many contentious issues like politics on their minds. For kids, this is less of a problem. Warm topics can range from a popular novel to a favorite band or singer to a show or sports team. For adults, a warm topic might be something as simple as “How was your garden this summer?” or “What are you streaming these days?” My favorite warm topic is anything related to dogs, which can work for kids and adults.
Excel as a listener: This might sound contradictory if you are aiming to stir conversation, but many people won’t fight to get their words in. If you give them a chance, you might be surprised at what you hear. Then, you get a chance to respond. The back-and-forth means real interaction is happening. In our family, sports talk is the area where we work hard to practice our listening skills. Does Aaron Judge or Shohei Ohtani deserve to be baseball’s Most Valuable Player (MVP) this year? My kids make their case. If you are a Harry Potter fan, which book was your favorite? The conversation can take off in no time flat.
Make it fun where possible: “Anyone know how to make green tomato soup? Green tomatoes seem to be what I’m growing this year.” Not all conversations can be fun, but it is easier to entice people to engage when they don’t feel they are entering a room of doom.
Last week, I was Facetiming with my daughter when she put my three-year-old granddaughter on. My daughter said,
“Rachel (not her real name), do you want to ask Bubbie (Yiddish for grandmother) how her day was?”
Rachel did exactly that, and a seed had been planted. It might have been the same seed I planted three decades ago. Every once in a while, we as parents see a wonderful return on our labor, and this was one of those moments.
When all else fails in helping our kids build conversation skills, never forget the value of humor.
Instead of saying, “Now, we’re going to build some conversation skills, kids, because it is important. So please, put down your phones,” ask a fun question.
Here is one of my favorites:
If you are stuck on an island and can only have one food, what would it be?
You’d be surprised at the range of responses. From my kids and their friends, I’d hear back,
“Is it important that it’s healthy, or can it just be something we like — like ice cream?”
“Will there be a way to keep it cold? Like a refrigerator?”
“If I say peanut butter and jelly sandwich, does that count as one thing?”
Another warm-up question to get people in the mood to talk is to focus on something funny. I’ve been known to ask,
“Anyone have a good joke to share? I’ve got one.” They always want to hear mine.
Q: “How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?”
A: “Answer: One, but it takes three light bulbs.”
Laughter and conversation usually follow. Mission accomplished.
We have a big job as parents. We need to help our children build self-esteem, make healthy choices, manage conflict, engage their world, speak their words, understand opposing views, live with rejection, build solid friendships, and find their gratitude — for starters.
All I’m suggesting is adding the seemingly inconsequential skill of building conversation skills. Like anything that is hard to achieve, it will take focus and maybe a bit of salesmanship to convince our children.
One day, they might say thank you. Or one day, you might be Facetiming with a grandchild who asks you about your day.
Now, that’s how I spell gratitude.
very interesting. For myself, I appear to be too much for some people. I think they are insecure. I used to come in to work with a funny news story that i heard on the radio. one woman clapped her hands over her ears and said, " I am 55 years old! i don't need to learn anything new!" It is hard to converse with people like that.. i have been told that I am intimidating. ( I try to h old everything in check.LOL)