Searching for My Center
Using the present to define me
Ellie’s Story Chapter 40: For those just tuning in, Ellie is 40, a single mom with a son named Alfred and a boyfriend named Tom. This is the third book in the series. Book 1 focused on Alfred’s growth as he is a high-functioning neurodivergent teen who, with the help of “Coach,” reached a new level of social skills. Book 2 is about Alfred’s best friend, Hannah, who is super smart and a compulsive achiever. Book 3 is about Ellie, Alfred’s Mom, and her coming-of-age story. It is written in first person (so you are hearing Ellie’s voice). Tom (Ellie’s boyfriend) has also been Alfred’s coach but, for obvious reasons, is easing himself out as coach and finding a replacement. Alfred and Hannah have written a play that will be performed at their school next week. Penny is Ellie’s best friend and a bit awkward in her own way. Now, you might know enough to read this chapter and enjoy the interactions.
My life suddenly was filled with chaos. Alfred and Hannah were working to get their production ready for showtime. I worried Alfred was working too hard and would “hit a wall.” He especially needed downtime but wouldn’t hear of it from me.
Penny was sharing less and working her way through “men issues” on her own. I didn’t pry. I told her I was there if she needed me. She seemed to appreciate that and gave me one small hint of what was on her mind.
“Louis has asked me for coffee again. He says there are some things he wants to explain, and if we could just have one hour together to talk, it would mean everything.”
I nodded. I knew Louis would make his way back to Penny.
“I’m afraid that when I see him, I will get all soft and want to get back together. I am trying to hold my ground.”
I didn’t say much other than, “You’ll be in a public place having coffee. If you stick with that, there won’t be much room to get all soft. If somehow Louis has changed and wants to meet you on your terms, then if you are willing, I don’t see a problem, and it doesn’t make you weak.”
Somehow, my words hit a tender spot because the next thing I knew, Penny was giving me a big hug and telling me that I was the human form of Gandalf. “So wise,” she said. Since I knew Gandalf from Alfred and even my childhood, I understood her words but didn’t think the comparison was great. Couldn’t I be Charlotte, instead, in Charlotte’s Web?
Since Alfred was staying at school late to work on the play, I could meet Tom at Silkies and catch up on many fronts. We needed that.
I walked into Silkies, and there in the corner was Tom, looking tired but eager to see me. I got the usual big hug and kiss on the lips, followed by an enthusiastic greeting.
“Oh boy. I am so glad to see you. We have a lot to talk about.”
The waitress came, we gave our order, and then, Tom focused 100 percent on me. When he did this, the experience was alarming, but I was getting accustomed to it.
“Nikki is excellent, and I realized I’m not used to sitting on the other side. She asked me some great questions. How was I processing my mother’s death? Did I think that my mother’s passing had any impact on my getting involved with you? What are the one or two really important aspects of my life that I will protect at all costs?”
Hearing these questions made my stomach tense up. I wondered what the answers were and where I would fit in. I didn’t need to wait long to hear.
“Ellie, I’ll work backward. The one or two things I will protect at all costs are my relationship with you and Alfred. I want to continue to be the male figure Alfred looks up to. I want to earn the title of ‘stepdad.’ Also, on the list? My reputation as a consummate therapist who is particularly strong at helping young adults. Everything else is negotiable.”
I smiled and put my hand on the table. Tom immediately took my hand, and we intertwined fingers.
“But I haven’t spoken enough to you about my mom, and so in the days ahead, I am going to give you a far better sense of her. You would have loved her, and she definitely would have loved you. She was also smart, down to earth, and didn’t suffer fools easily. I have felt a deep loss, but I didn’t find you out of need. I found you out of love. Why it took 18 years for me to find my partner is because that’s about how long it took for our paths to cross.”
Now, I felt a tear coming. Damn, these tears. When did I become so emotional?
“I told Nikki a little about you. I explained that I was checking out life as an academician because falling in love with a client’s mom is taboo, and academics would be a possible next step. I also shared that Oberlin was interested, and we would be talking, but I was nervous that the thought of it scared you. I mean, it’s only three hours away, and we could shave my hours as needed, but it would be an adjustment…I know.”
I nodded and took every in word as if I were hearing this for the first time.
“Finally, I told Nikki that I wouldn’t do anything that would put us at risk or make you feel sad.”
Hearing this changed my occasional tear to a full stream. I couldn’t stop.
“Tom, I’m crying because you are so dear to me. I felt so nervous at the start of this conversation, but now I feel grateful. I’m no longer scared.”
“Can I get up and hug you,” Tom asked.
“If you must.”
“I must,” he said as he stood up.
I stood up and then he enveloped me in the warmest bear hug.
“Do we have to stop?” I asked.
“Eventually. Our food will get cold,” he laughed.
“But never our hearts. Wow, I can’t believe I said that. It’s sappy but also true.”
After we got back to our meal, I gave Tom a brief Tova update. I shared my biggest takeaway. I didn’t want to relive the sadness I felt when my dad died. At that point, it was my mom and me. For the last 16 years, it’s been Alfred and me. And now Tom. I didn’t want to go back to just Alfred and me.
“Here was where Tova’s words felt life-altering. She offered that my past helps explain ‘me to me.’ It’s important, but she added, and these are her exact words: ‘The present defines you.’ I have committed those four words to memory.”
Now, Tom looked moved. He was processing my words and searching for how I’d apply them.
“Tom, you and Alfred are my present.”
“Can I get up and hug you again?”
“Only if you must.”
With a big, warm smile and a small tear, Tom spoke.
“I must.”
After all this heavy talk, I needed lighter topics. We discussed hobbies we want to pursue together, bridge being one. I shifted to Alfred and what we could explore together as a family.
“Baseball, for sure,” Tom said. He added, “Maybe he can teach me how to make Soho Globs.”
Then, Tom turned serious. “I’ve lined up Eddie for after Alfred’s play. I am pretty sure they’ll do well together. Eddie also excels with young adults, and he tells me that he is neurodivergent, too. I would never have guessed.”
Well, I thought it was possible that people could become so well integrated into society and so aware of how to manage their limitations that they seem neurotypical, but they’re not. I believe that is me, but I decided not to share that observation right now because it would be another heavy talk.
Instead, we talked about our future, which is a happy conversation.
According to Tom,
“I think Alfred already suspects something between us. He told me he is trying to hear unspoken words, and what he hears, suggests, he might need to share me. This made me smile, and I assured him that there was enough of me to go around. He also told me that it was important that ‘his mom be happy, and she seems happier.’ He wonders whether our friendship is one of the reasons.”
This whole exchange surprised me but in a good way.
“Did Alfred seem upset?” I asked.
“Not upset but unsettled. The world is not making as much sense to him. We’re going to talk next week.”
We finished dinner in a good mood, and I was feeling more optimistic about my future with Tom and Alfred.
When we got outside, it was too dark to take a walk and too late to go to Tom’s.
“Wanna just come in my car for a few minutes, Ellie?”
“What, so we can act like horny teenagers?”
“Exactly, but we have only a little time and space, so we might end up acting more like our age,” Tom suggested.
The kisses, the feels, the tongue were all becoming familiar. We were nothing like horny teenagers and everything like two middle-aged people who had found their match and felt lucky.
But I had to get home, and Tom had to make his plans to visit Oberlin. A lot was going on, but I had found my center. I was living in the present and finding some peace.
i like this story very much, Jill, as I mentioned in the past. Are these first drafts, shared as you write them, or are you again close to publishing?