Coming of Age at Forty is Launched
I learned that coming of age is ongoing, and Ellie, my protagonist, showed me how
JUST OUT!!!
Coming of Age at Forty, book three in the “Alfred series,” begins with history repeating itself. In the series’ first book, Ellie tells Alfred she is bringing a coach into Alfred’s life to help him build a “circle of friends.” Alfred contests the need, saying, “I’m fine,” but ultimately agrees to a “one-digit number of sessions” (nine or less) to appease his mom.
As Ellie explains to Alfred, “You’re good, even great, but you could be doing even better.” Alfred and “Coach” develop a meaningful connection, and Alfred chooses to keep Coach in his life.
At the beginning of Coming of Age at Forty, Ellie is withdrawn and depressed. Her mother is aging, and Alfred is but a few steps away from college. Ellie anticipates an empty house, and the mere thought leaves her in a world that feels cold and lonely, asking herself,
“Is this all there is?”
Alfred notices his mother’s state and suggests they find a coach who can help her. Ellie dismisses Alfred’s concern, saying she is fine.
How does Alfred respond? He uses the same words she once used:
“You’re good, even great, but you could be doing even better.”
So begins Ellie’s exploration by engaging a coach and keeping a journal. Ellie resists writing in the journal until it eventually becomes her “comfort blanket.”
I wrote a longer story than I intended, but I now understand that coming-of-age takes time.
I’ll share three lessons that place Ellie on a positive path and help her find peace.
One: It’s important to understand our scabs.
Ellie is slow to begin journaling, which Alfred picks up on. “Why?” Alfred asks.
Ellie explains,
“It’s like this. I’ve got some old sores, but now they’re scabs, and I’m not sure I want to pick at them. It will just make them bleed all over again.”
Alfred challenges his mom right away:
“Mom, you’re smart, and so I know you know the problem with what you just said. They’re not healed. That’s why I said, ‘You’re fine, but you could be doing better.’ The difference between the two, if I am going to use your words, is the scabs. They need to be looked at. Otherwise, they’ll stay being scabs, and you’ll stay being good. I don’t think you want to stay being good if great is a possibility.”
So, even though it’s emotionally wrenching, Ellie journals about joining a choir at age ten, facing rejection, and then migrating over to the math and chess clubs where smart nerds like Ellie hang out.
Ellie shares how she met David, the love of her life and Alfred’s dad.
She also goes back in time to the sudden death of her father and the deep sadness that permeated her life and her mother’s for quite some time.
In the process of reliving these memories, Ellie realizes she has always felt an inclination to boost her sad mom’s spirits.
“I think I always felt responsible for helping my mom…I was a sad soul dressed up as a cheerleader.”
By looking underneath the scab, Ellie is able to understand the burden she carried and at what cost.
Two: Our past provides context. Our present defines us.
Ellie shares the trauma of her dad dying shortly after her parents had reunited. Her parents had a challenging marriage — Ellie’s mom acting as the adult who managed their responsibilities and Ellie’s dad as the life of the party, bringing joy to everyone but not being a sufficient anchor at home. Their split-up brought an awareness by both and a desire for a do-over, which they were in the midst of before his sudden death.
How Ellie and her mother are able to piece together a life worth living is a testament to how we sometimes reach deep to find untold strength.
Understanding this scab helps Ellie recognize her fear that happiness can come crashing down at a moment’s notice. It has also shaped her thoughts about her emerging romance and fears of vulnerability.
Ellie’s coach uses this memory to bring home a major lesson.
“The past provides context. It’s how we understand ourselves. The present defines us. You will always have the memory and loss of your dad in your heart and sometimes in your mind. But you didn’t rest there. Look what you have done with your life!”
Coming of Age at Forty is a study of how Ellie works to accept her past without letting it constrain her present choices. She begins to recognize her strength, as evidenced by how she and her mom cobble a life together and, in the process, find independence.
Three: Cleaning house to make room for new things that matter is important.
Ellie has a dear friend, Penny, who has low self-esteem and a sad backstory. Ellie feels committed to helping Penny take a more introspective look so that Penny may recognize her many assets. Ellie suggests journaling and buys Penny a journal to get her started. Ellie explains,
“It’s full of tough moments that I didn’t process then, and now I am…It’s like you’re cleaning house. You get rid of things and make some space. Then, hopefully, with that space, you can fill it up with new things that matter.”
Ellie later shares the analogy with her coach, who then asks, using Ellie’s analogy, “What furniture would you keep?”
Ellie responds, “Alfred, my mom, my work, Penny.” Then, she adds yoga, bridge, and a few new friends.
Coach Tovah: Okay, then, we have a good area to focus on. Any thoughts about what this new furniture might look like as you prepare to fill up the space with something new?
Ellie: That’s where I’m stuck, but I’m glad about one thing.
Coach Tovah: Which is…
Ellie: I’m glad that I have the desire to do this. I haven’t ever had that desire. I’ve really only been a widow and a mom, but maybe there’s more.
Ellie discovers there is more, which includes exploring a relationship and experiencing love for the first time in seventeen years.
Ellie’s fork in the road
Near the end of the book, Ellie is speaking with Alfred’s closest friend, Hannah. Hannah is a thoughtful writer and deep thinker but not a happy person. Hannah’s struggle is explored in book two of the Alfred series.
Hannah and Alfred have co-developed a play, The Apple and Everything that Came After. As they anticipate college, they are focused on thoughts of growth, their story of origin, and what's coming next. It is in this context that Hannah views Ellie’s metamorphosis as inspiring and wants to understand more.
At one point, Ellie explains,
“Okay, Hannah, it’s like this. You know Alfred loves baseball. One of my favorite quotes comes from Yogi Berra. Yogi was a baseball player. He said, ‘When you see a fork in the road, take it.’ That’s what Tom and I did. We took the fork and thus began our personal “do-over” to use your phrase. We found some guts and went for it.”
Coming-of-age, I learned, is synonymous with guts and self-honesty. When we face that proverbial fork in the road, we get to show ourselves strength.
Coming of Age at Forty is available in paperback now on Amazon. Kindle format will soon follow.
Congratulations and good luck.