How I Helped My Best Friend, Hannah
And I’m told I did it in a quiet way
iStock: credit Credit:Ivana Cecez
Alfred’s Corner is an extension of Alfred’s Journey to Be Liked and is Alfred applying the lessons from Coach to his world. It is written in a young adult’s voice (a very smart young adult, in Alfred) and is intended to be used for kids and adults to noodle on together. There are over 20 pieces of Alfred dissecting and applying a lesson. Any feedback from readers is always welcome. Hannah, who he discusses in this piece, is one of his best friends and a gifted 15-year-old writer.
I’m all about butterflies. It’s probably because of YouTube. I watched Muhammad Ali before a big fight say he was going to,
“Float like a butterfly. Sting like a bee.”
After seeing this video many times, I decided “float like a butterfly” was going to be my saying. My mom loved the idea:
My mom: Alfred, adults often have mantras to help them. This seems similar — a kind of life philosophy for you.
Me: Mom, it’s my way of remembering not to shout out my answers. It’s hard always being right.
My mom: So it reminds you not to be a know-betterer.
Yep, that was it in a nutshell.
Now comes Hannah
I could tell early on that Hannah was “riding the struggle bus,” as Coach calls it. I needed to float my thoughts her way to see if she would pick any of them up. I’ve learned if you don’t agree with someone’s ideas, it’s a waste of breath — and time, too!
So, I did the following:
I asked Hannah what was bothering her. I told her she was spraying her anger everywhere and getting very snappy.
Her response was that we should “fix it,” and what did I suggest? “Fixing” takes time and thought, which I told her. I explained, “If we don’t know the root cause, we can’t fix it.” Most 15-year-olds don’t consider “root cause,” but I’ve accepted I’m not typical. Neither is Hannah.
She agreed to talk to Coach. Coach agreed to talk to Hannah after getting her mom’s permission.
They eventually met, and Coach gave Hannah two marching orders:
Fewer and smaller lists. Evidently, they contribute to her bad mood.
Record when she feels unheard. What exactly happened? What might have changed the outcome?
With those orders, Hannah and her brother spent the summer in Terre Haute, Indiana, with their dad and his girlfriend.
What Hannah did next
Hannah is always focused on solving things around her. I get tired just watching her.
Hannah thanked me for introducing her to Coach and being helpful.
“Alfred, you always say you want to float like a butterfly. Well, you did. As a matter of fact, I am going to try and learn that skill. The butterfly move is gentle, yet very powerful.”
I didn’t want to sound negative and tell her, “Don’t bother. It’s probably not in your range.” Plus, I’ve been preaching to Hannah about keeping an open mind, so I needed to do that, too. Coach calls it “leading by example.”
Hannah let me know she wanted to convert her summer journal into a book for everyone’s benefit. That led to this conversation.
Me: Great. That feels like a logical next step after producing Popposites (her play last year).
Hannah: Well, it may be logical, but I am going to need some help.
Me: From who?
This made Hannah laugh. I was not laughing because I was too afraid of what I was going to hear.
Hannah: From you and Joey. Maybe Ms. Baker. I might have Coach write a preface. We’ll see.
Me: OK, Hannah. You can let me know when you know more.
Hannah explained that she knew exactly what she needed from me.
Hannah: You will be a collaborator and write something in support of my book from an angle that feels unique.
She clearly had no butterfly in her. She was so fast in explaining what I was going to do for her without a single exchange of thoughts.
I shared this conversation with my mom, and she explained that Hannah uses an “assumptive close.” That was gobblygook until my mom explained that Hanna assumes the outcome that she wants.
My mom: It’s a very good skill. You should learn it.
All this made my head spin, and suddenly, there was no butterfly in me at all.
I went back to Hannah and said I would help her, but then I added,
“Just so you know, you behave more like a bee than a butterfly. You fly straight with no wiggle at all. I will help you, but one day, if I write a book, you’ll help me.”
That might have been my version of an assumptive close. I was learning.
Hannah? She couldn’t stop laughing.
“Alfred, I know you’re going to write a book. It’s just another thing I know that you don’t. But you know something that I don’t — how to float like a butterfly — especially when giving me feedback.”
Now, we were good.
Key Message: By helping friends, we grow, too. Start with “butterfly.” If “butterfly” doesn’t work, a bee is ok too.