Photo by Ed Leszczynskl on Unsplash
Note: This piece is part of a book in process, Lucy’s Snippets: Born on the Wrong Side of the Tracks. Lucy is 36 and part of my fictional world of Alfred (Alfred’s Journey to Be Liked) and Hannah (Hannah’s Journal to Be Happy). Lucy is Hannah’s dad’s girlfriend, and she is full of grit. She is in the middle of a personal do-over, and she has Carol, a therapist, to help guide her.
I wasn’t an only child, but I felt like one.
My brother was barely around, and when I saw him, he was usually high. Since we didn’t often have a family dinner, it wasn’t like he was expected to come home at a certain time to join us.
Come to think of it, there were almost no expectations for us as kids.
You know, you think freedom would be great, but too much of it doesn’t feel so good. You end up feeling uncared for.
When I was in 9th grade, my brother was in 11th. He should have been a senior, but he had to repeat the year because he flunked. He just never showed up to class, and my parents, being my parents, did nothing. Until it was too late.
That’s when I heard my mom’s one loud, pathetic request:
“Nathan, I really need you to go to school and at least get your high school diploma. I have enough on my plate without having to worry about ‘will you or won’t you’ graduate. Is that clear?”
She called him Nathan when she was serious. Otherwise, “Nate.”
Nate was looking down. He heard my mom. His only response was a shrug. I don’t know what a shrug means. It’s not like a nod of the head — or actually saying yes or no. As I look back, I think he was saying, “I really don’t care. Maybe I will. Maybe I won’t.”
The following week, Nate was missing from school again. I couldn’t find him in any of the obvious places, so I went to one of his closest friends, Peter, and told him that I needed to talk to Nate.
Could he find him for me?
To this day, I am surprised that Peter brought Nate to me, but I think it was one of the few lucky moments in Nate’s life. I told my brother that as far as I was concerned, I didn’t care how much weed he smoked or music he listened to, but I cared that our mom kept it together and that he graduated.
I would tell Dad if he kept missing school, and I reminded Nate that Dad would be a lot tougher on him. Even drunk, my dad could be more effective than my mom. Also, I said if Nate didn’t want to be a dropout or a fuck-up like our parents, he had to graduate high school because then he stood a small chance at doing better.
I ended with,
“I will be watching, so don’t think you can fool me. I am not them.”
“Them,” of course, were my parents.
There were a few hiccups along the way, but Nate did graduate. I don’t know if it was my hyper-watchfulness, or his fear that he could turn out worse than “them,” or maybe my threat to involve our dad, but he graduated.
I felt relieved that I had done my job…or maybe my parents’ job.
Recently, Nate has been popping up in my mind. It’s been seven years since we last “talked,” and I use that word loosely. But spending time with Hannah and Ben has made me want to reach out and see how Nate is doing.
I miss him. Siblings are supposed to have that connection. Don’t they say, “Siblings for life?” That’s what Ben and Hannah are.
Maybe Nate and I could have a do-over — like Hannah and me.
If we’re talking “maybes,” maybe I could stop being angry that Nate left me alone to be with our crazy parents. He didn’t even think to tell me he had hatched an escape plan.
Talk about decency or lack of it…
I shared this with Carol. Carol is helpful because she will lay down a few breadcrumbs to help me find my way, but I do the finding. Carol doesn’t give me the answers. She listens and encourages and listens some more. Alfred has described to me that this is what his coach (who he just calls “Coach”) does, too.
I am hoping the breadcrumbs lead me to squash my anger when I think about Nate, and say “Yes” to Marvin. It’s not so much “Yes to the dress” as “Yes, we can build a life together — kid and all.”
At the end of our session, Carol asked me if I knew what “parentifying” meant. I didn’t. She told me that sometimes when kids have to step up and act like the most mature person in the family, we have “parentified” them.
As Carol explained it, my parents made me the adult in our family while my friends were able to stay being kids. I had to be aware of my family’s needs and then help them. Carol suggested I give this some thought because it could help explain my “sticky” anger that I can’t easily let go of.
When I left Carol, I decided a few things.
1. Hannah was also “parentified,” so now we would share this in common. I will have to explain “parentify,” and Hannah will like adding a new word to her large vocabulary. Maybe we will pick a novel that brings home this idea. That could help us.
2. I will reach out to Nate and see if he’ll talk to me. The odds are 50–50 at best. Hope springs eternal, so I hope he will.
3. I will share my “parentify insights” with Marvin, who is patiently waiting for me to say yes. “I’m getting closer,” is what I’ll tell him. “Now, can you make me some scrambled eggs?” and that will make him smile.
Whew! That’s a lot to do.
But as Marvin always says, “Building a quality life is a lot of work.”
If you want to know more about this series, here is one post about Marvin, Hannah’s dad.
“I will be watching, so don’t think you can fool me. I am not them.”
Lisa Simpson has said words to this effect in the past to her brother, and he clearly understands...