The Art of a Good Apology
It’s been on my mind because they’re hard to deliver
Do you ever get into a seemingly simple fight where all that is needed is a simple, heartfelt apology?
I’ve been having a few of those lately, which has led me to consider the structure of an apology and what I believe works best.
First, a scenario: Let’s say, hypothetically speaking, that your partner comes home from a very long day — as late as (hypothetically speaking) 9:30 at night. Specifics are very good in hypotheticals.
Now, you might have been waiting to ask your partner a seemingly simple question, like “Can you take the dog out to pee?” (as opposed to something harder like, “Can we discuss what’s needed to prepare our tax return?”).
Your timing might not be great when asking to take the dog out, and you get a very angry response. It’s the kind of response that I classify as “Your anger doesn’t know its home,” meaning you are venting at the wrong target. The anger is also not proportional and is a sign of fatigue. We all do it at various times.
You let the moment slide by, and you decide to take the dog out yourself because sometimes a simple request does not feel simple to a tired soul.
The next day, you decide to bring up the topic of apologies. We need to be better at them. In my marriage, we do so much right, but here is where I sense a weakness. Said more positively, here is where we have an opportunity to improve our game, and it shouldn’t be that hard.
The apologies that would have worked in my “hypothetical” example
“I’m sorry I didn’t read your fatigue and that I asked you to take the dog out.”
“I’m sorry I got so angry, which had almost nothing to do with the dog.”
Those would have been good apologies. Good apologies are surprisingly rare. They are also difference-makers. Our declining mood can be stopped in its tracks, and we can be on the verge of a reset.
It is important enough to me that I came up with my own layman’s classification for types of apologies, and only one is truly excellent. Here they are:
Type 1: Simple, pure, top-of-the-line apology.
“I’m sorry. I’m going to try really hard not to repeat that behavior.” Nothing more needs to be said if it is said with genuine contrition.
Type 2: An apology lined with context.
“I’m sorry, but we’ve had this discussion before, and it’s been a long day.” Other additions could be added to provide context, which only serves to weaken the apology. Common additions include “looking at the long term,” “thinking about others,” or “practicality and timing,” and the worst of all: “You should have known…” The latter puts the onus on the person you are maybe trying to apologize to.
The apology of context does not work well for me. I prefer the clear, unconditional, type 1 of “I’m sorry.” If more conversation is needed to arrive at a place of peace and understanding, the apologizer should request, “I’d also like to discuss this more so we can truly understand how we each feel.” I consider this to be a smart addition so that the disagreement doesn’t reappear (again).
Type 3: The apology that seeks to balance the hurt.
“I’m sorry that this happened, but if you recall, you did the same to me a while back.”
True apologies cannot seek to balance the hurt with a historical review of past behaviors. Nothing more needs to be added. The past should only serve as a point of learning, not as a justification for current behavior.
Even worse than not being an apology, it risks resurrecting an old fight or putting the person you are supposedly apologizing to on the defensive.
A skilled apology is a tool for better relationships
Dissecting the types of apologies we receive might be too much for many readers, but I believe it represents an opportunity to deliver a genuine “I’m sorry” that gets heard. If we are aware and can contain our ego, we can give a well-heard and healing type of apology. Everyone benefits.
It helps to remember that it’s often the small moments that rankle. It might be, for example,
“You added red onions to the salad? You know that I hate red onions.”
“You said you’d be here at <specified time>, and you’re late, which will now make me late.”
“You should have asked me whether you could borrow the <fill in the blank>.”
“You’re putting words in my mouth. Let me speak for me, please.”
There are all kinds of reasons we need to say “I’m sorry” with no conditions attached. Each one, in itself, might not be huge, but the collective effect can be hurtful. If we see the need for an apology as an opportunity to be our best selves, we can get going on a positive track.
There is a famous line in Love Story by Erich Segal, “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.” It sounds great, but it only works as a line of fiction.
In real relationships, we have ample space and need for “I’m sorry.”
By now, you probably guessed that the dog-needing-to-pee story was about me and my husband. We worked it out but needed the next morning to discuss it when we weren’t so tired and wired.
It was a silly and irritating moment that could have been easily rectified with a few simple words.
Next time…
If there is one stereotype about Canadians that is anything close to accurate, it is that we are EXTREMELY apologetic people. We go out of our way to try to avoid creating problems, and we're quick to try to apologize for any misstep, whether it was our fault or not.
The politicians are about the only exception to the rule, of course- they can only apologize in formal contexts, and then only very belatedly. For the better of part of two decades, they have periodically been apologizing for the injustices imposed on our various minority groups in the 19th and 20th centuries...