Why Building Self-Satisfaction Is So Hard and So Important
Speaking as a parent, a writer, and a friend
Author’s note: A simple trip to visit my father-in-law reminded me of a basic truth we should all embrace (which involves embracing ourselves). Here’s more.
Three instances in the last week have sent me to the holy grail of self-satisfaction. Some have it. Some don’t. And it’s hard.
First, a definition. To me, “self-satisfaction” is the ability to appreciate oneself. We remind ourselves that though we are plenty skilled at whatever we do, we won’t get everything right, but if we embrace lifelong learning, we’re good.
This is harder than it seems because we are an outcomes-centered society. We inevitably feel the need to identify possibilities that spell our success. What does our yardstick look like?
The trick is to create a yardstick that offers a range of measurements that have some means of attainability. If you are a writer, you might skip over equating success with landing on the NY Times bestseller’s list. If you love to play tennis, as I do, you might appreciate Coco Gauff’s game but realize you can’t have it.
In my case, I focused on an engaging, well-attended book launch and found one aspect of my tennis game that I could improve.
I believe the holy grail involves finding discreet stretch goals that we can achieve with hard work and that remind us of our strengths. We should then follow that with a good pat on the back. Appreciation often begins and ends with ourselves.
Now, the stories that led me to this thought.
Last week, my husband and I traveled to visit my 95-year-old father-in-law, who lives in the Midwest. He is straight-shooting and congenial, just like the region he inhabits.
He is also like an old car that needs a few parts repaired. My father-in-law doesn’t see or hear as well as he’d like, but he remains a sharp thinker who lacks sugar coating when he speaks his truth. Truth topics can relate to our world, politics, family, music, you name it — all said with conviction.
I asked him for the good news about being 95, and his answer was immediate.
“I still have good capabilities. At 95, I can do most of what I could — just a little slower.”
Maybe “a lot” slower, but I loved his congratulatory note.
I followed up by asking what the bad news was about being 95.
“I’m no longer driving, so I can’t get myself where I need to go. I don’t like having to wait for an Uber. Had I persisted, I believe I could have kept my license.”
I silently said to myself, “No reason to tell him otherwise, and fortunately, that fork in that road is behind us, and he is traveling via Uber.”
The larger point was that with everything he said, there was a healthy dose of self-esteem. Age had diminished his eyes and ears but not his ego.
I shared this with my children and added, “May we be so lucky.”
When we returned from our travel, two moments came my way that made me further process my conversation with my father-in-law.
The first moment happened when a writer who I’ve followed for some time wrote me, “So much to do, so little time, and not enough recognition.” In previous comments to me, she referenced how difficult it has been to support herself through writing and that she also feels unappreciated.
I replied back that I didn’t know of a single writer who couldn’t relate to those thoughts. I suggested she start first by appreciating herself, and I told her some of the reasons I enjoy her writing. A process that begins by giving oneself credit is a safe way to start.
The issue of trying to manage economic demands while being a writer is far tougher. I had no real suggestions. A tip jar can only take one so far.
In the second post-travel instance, my daughter shared a story about a work colleague who was “spiraling.” I’d never heard that word, and if I were forced to guess, I would have said, “Getting high.” I would have been wrong.
“Spiraling” refers to someone with significant anxiety, going around and around in their mind about their concern, and it is a moment filled with self-doubt. My daughter was surprised I was not familiar with the word, especially since I traffic in words and pay attention to people’s emotional state.
It was time for me to celebrate moments of lifelong learning, and this was one. My daughter and I parsed the word, its applications, and its prevalence today. An alarming report suggests that 61 percent of Gen Z have been medically diagnosed with an anxiety condition. Its cause relates to nothing smaller than “the future, finances, work, social activities, and relationships.”
There are so many reasons to spiral, but my father-in-law reminded me of the blessing of finding a silver lining of positivity. True, he had given up driving and was moving slower, but his mental game was all there.
Regarding the holy grail of self-satisfaction, I repeat:
Some have it. Some don’t. And it’s hard.
I will add: Don’t give up.
As if it were divine intervention, I was now fully aware of how difficult and important it is to be self-satisfied.
Look where it has gotten my father-in-law. He is able to take stock of all the things he still does well. He makes a mean omelet. He keeps up with Scientific American. He thinks clearly and draws staunch conclusions about his world.
Self-doubt is the natural and easy way to be — especially if you are a parent or a writer. As parents, we observe our children struggling to find their place in the world. They meander as they oscillate between what we’ve taught them and what they’ve learned on their own. Did we do a good enough job? We wonder as we watch the painful process. If we are fortunate, some combination of their truth and ours wins the day as they settle themselves.
As writers, we seek positive feedback and some ka-ching. After having self-published five books, I know that I will never make it to the NY Times Bestseller’s list, and the ka-ching is not significant. I appreciate, though, that friends and readers I don’t know have shared they’ve found my words relatable and helpful.
That knowledge takes me far.
After my fateful and inspiring trip to Chicago, I have a new personal goal of being able to tout myself at a ripe old age. If I am lucky, my husband and I can both model it for our kids’ benefit as well as our own.
To be able to hug myself, I will need to recall a few of my stellar moments. Maybe it will be an article that showed my writing at its best or a moment of parenting where I said fewer words that traveled further.
The world provides so many opportunities to knock ourselves down, but our ability to stand upright lies in believing in the invincibility of our self-worth.
Find it. Show it. Be proud.
This is a topic that comes up a lot in classic music. Steve Earle, The Rolling Stones and Otis Redding all sang about how they couldn't get any, and Jackie Wilson enumerated the things he wanted his girl to give him so he would be so.
It's also something that "fans" of anything have to deal with. Unless a performer dies or a TV series signs off for good, you have to keep in touch with what they do (unless, as happens so much now, you disown them for bad public and private behavior). It's an endless collecting cycle that only stops when the collector is gone. My father, for example, has such a large collection of vinyl records that he ended up being profiled in a local publication, and I am emulating him with my preferred CD format purchases.
And some people never will be satisfied. In Canada, we have a Westminster Parliament a la Britain, and with that comes a position called Leader Of The Opposition, whose sole function is to bitch and moan about whatever the government does. The current one always sounds like he never will be satisfied...
I am 'spiraling' too, a lot these days. But the inherent sense of self-worth keeps me going. I would like to add one more way to latch onto the sense of worthiness or self-satisfaction - being around lovely people, in my case, my husband who makes sure to remind me of my goodness.
I remember reading one of your stories on Medium in which you mentioned your father-in-law, what a cool guy!